Dearest Offspring,

For all your young lives, I have been trying to introduce to you, by example, the idea of a metaphysical benefit to being annoying. Now I know you already think this is a joke, and I can see you chuckling under your breath (in that annoying way you have), but if you don't stay with me on this, you are in danger of missing out on something big. And from your recent behavior I know that you just don't get it. So here are the crib notes.

When we speak of annoying, we mean bothersome, not causing physical pain or real anger - more of a pain in the neck kind of thing - distractions that keep you from being as functional as you would like. We all know what this word means. So why would anyone want to be annoying?

The answer is obviously counterintuitive,* as well as selfish in a self improvement kind a way. Studies have found the the more annoying you become (as measured on the Ildren Annoyance Scale), the less vulnerable you are to annoyances. Basically, the more annoying you are, the less annoyed you get. So if you find yourself getting annoyed by those loud kids, or by friends who shoot spitballs at you, or people who talk behind your back, you need to work on it. Developing a strong ability to be annoying provides you with an armor you cannot buy: protection from the petty. Wouldn't it be nice to be so annoying that nothing could distract you from having a wonderful day, every day?

So work on it. Set your sights high, but be careful not to overdo it. A little more every day is what I recommend. Sometimes it's beneficial to work with an annoyance trainer who knows the ropes. I'm available for this if you need me. Of course, there are many ways to accomplish this goal. None are easy, but you will find that the benefits clearly outweigh the hassle. Once you reach the so called "Event Horizon" of being annoying, a strange thing occurs. Your ability to annoy is a compounded by the fact that you are unannoyable. Not only are you annoying everyone, all the time, but it is an additional annoyance to them that they cannot get you back. Perfection cannot be far away.


*Theory of Opposites: Seeking the deeper aspects of the trivial leads one through the explorations of the stuff of life, the contradictory, the important link between nothing and everything, and opposites of every kind. In fact, the so-called trivial almost always turns out to be the most important - it's just that no one notices. In my previous work on the spiritual aspects of being pathetic (also see, My Search For Humiliation) we discuss the value of the counterintuitive: We are unable to overcome confusion because real understanding is not a destination on the logical path. But a close inspection of events, through the lens of the Theory of Opposites, often opens a window into the counterintuitive truth, where it is obvious that being annoying is a superlative asset.

Father Thine

       

       

Father dearest

I feel that you are drawing a spurrious correlation between factor A (tendency to be annoyed by others) and factor A1 (ability to annoy others). Yes, it is true, that if you have an intense ability to annoy others, it is likely that you will no longer find yourself so annoyed by others, but this is quite possibly because those who you previously found annoying will not want to have anything to do with you once they discover how annoying you have become. Indeed, you can seek to annoy with all your heart and everyone will stop seeking out your companionship. Hence: A1 (you annoy people) --> people stop hanging out with you --> you are less annoyed by people because they aren't around you to annoy you in the first place. It is not that you become immune to their annoying tactics (A1 does not negate A), but rather that you have eliminated the people all-together. Were you to stop being so annoying, and these annoying people to return to your lives, you would not have dealt with the real problem at hand and they would be just as annoying as they were before. To achieve this same means, an easier solution would be to stop hanging out with the annoying people in the first place, rather than making convoluted and vague plans to become an annoying person yourself.

daughter Z

       

       

editor's note: In spite of her excellent rebuttal letter, daughter Z was eventually convinced of the validity of becoming annoying, and subsequently devoted her entire life to it. The Daughter Z Center For Politeness Disorders is named in her honor, and treats children suffering from Chronic Politeness Syndrome using state of the art annoyance techniques originally developed by Oldold's daughter.