Planning a trip to Growlerville?
Somehow you ended up here on the outskirts of Growlerville. You know something's about to happen, and you think you're ready. But before you start the playback device, you may wish to take a few moments to read about your destination.
Growlerville is an especially interesting and unusual place. But like most experiences, it's even better if your sensors are properly tuned. Preparation is the key, and it never hurts to have a little extra traveling advice.
A few of the Huhu Elders often act as guides to visitors such as yourself. They refer to the ancient practice of "learning to see with your ears." We suggest you contact one of these guides for personal lessons if you have any problems with your vision.
Some of the more experienced guides conduct sensory enhancement exercises before taking you in. One such exercise (which you can practice at home, before you leave) encourages newcomers to focus their listening on the sounds present in a quiet room. Try it. Close your eyes and "look" with your ears. What do you see? There are probably more than 5 things you can "see" right now. (If you see nothing, your ears may need glasses.) There are lots of things you never noticed until you focused your "listening vision." Discovery in Growlerville is as simple as that!
When You're In Growlerville:
-1- The trees are somehow bigger. It has something to do with the perspective of this
place.
-2- Normal does not apply. So don't bring any with you.
-3- Strange, weird, and unusual are the routine, so it's NEVER boring.
Growlerville is a destination in which things are seldom as they seem. If you're sightseeing, pay attention. Even then, you might discover that what's really going on is not what you thought. But that's ok. It's a reason to come back again, part of the fun and the charm of a truly amazing culture that a tourist may observe first hand.
How did things get this way?
The simple answer is natural forces. In most societies, natural forces play a significant role - a safe harbor, fertile soil, favorable weather, etc. In Growlerville, it was the abundance of naturally occurring magic, both encrusted substrates and life forms, that contributed most to the advancement of this unusual society. The great cultural leaders and heroes were the brave souls who attempted to master, control and exploit these powerful natural forces.
Oldold
Oldold, our ancestor and Master Of Natural Forces, was one such leader. He is perhaps best known as an idealist born before his time. Although a brilliant manipulator of encrusted forces, he was seen as a threat to the ancient authorities because of the vast powers he seemed to control. He was called before the Ancient Huhu Council and ordered to explain how he was able to create encrusted objects. When he failed to appear, a futile attempt was made to arrest him. Once a rebel and an outlaw sought by both the Ancient Huhu Council and the Huhu Magistrate, Oldold is now recognized as a primary force in the development of encrusted technology, on which this society is based. He reached hero status by saving Growlerville numerous times from disasters caused by rampaging natural forces. His definitive "Magic Reference Volume 2" is the undisputed authority on the subject, and required reading at both the School Of Thought and the Magic Institute. (Read more about Oldold: Oldold, Ancestor & Master of Natural Forces)
Tourists will find many references to Oldold in their travels around Growlerville. That's his statue in the town square. You'll note that the nose seems more polished than the rest of the statue. It has become a tradition for visitors to give it a pinch. The custom stems from the fact that Oldold was one of the few to embrace non-traditional therapies (e.g. homeopathic magic, acupinchure, holistic encantata) before they became popular. It is said that Oldold embraced acupinchure when he discovered the effectiveness of acupinches on the nose in the prevention of sneezing and other magic ailments. Of course, acupinchure therapy involves the entire body, but the pinch on the nose remains as a symbolic recognition of the heritage.
You will definitely want to spend some time at the mall. The famous magic retailer Moon At Midnight has a huge store loaded with incredible stuff. You can buy tubes of Nothing, Swine Laurel Berries, Black Remind Me, Fun Flying 1.09, Laffaroni, and lots of other popular stuff. It's still a little costly, but check out the demonstration of the hottest new appliance in Growlerville - the Food Fax. This device sends a copy of a hot meal to a distant location via encrusted cellular technology.
The great outdoor Huhu Amphitheatre is currently running Miscellaneous, Uncle Huhu's entertainment special. It's a hot ticket and always draws a huge crowd of locals. Magic handling, tricks, jokes, and special guests get the Uncle Huhu treatment in grand style. Buy your tickets early!
The center of town includes the Growlerville waterslide. This landmark is a symbol of progress for encrusted technology. The Huhu believe that this huge structure, made entirely from precision cut stone bricks, was assembled in less than a Huhu moment. That's less time than it takes to blink your eyes! The explanation has something to do with stopping time to do the construction. Get the whole story by visiting the site.
Nearby is another well known monument. We speak of the resting place for the eggs of the ancient creature known in the mythology as Imposimazoo (the superlative imposter). This encrusted lifeform once wreaked havoc and confusion upon ancient Huhu society. Imposimazoo infestations were commonplace until Oldold developed a way to identify them (Smell Identify). See an actual egg through the glass containment wall.
The Town Museum is the work of the Growlerville Historical Society, and is a favorite for most visitors. Here you find the most complete collection of artifacts from the Ancient Huhu Councils, the Huhu Magistrate, and the Parents of Antiquity. The costumes are stunning. The second floor has a great exhibit on Oldold. The statue of him in the rotunda seems so lifelike and real that many tourists say hello expecting a response. It's made from an encrusted clay called Scratch. You've got to see it to believe it! View a copy of the Book of Lies, one of his famous prank encrustations. The Oldold wristband is on loan from the Dutchess of Hu. There's also a Voice Throw and a One's A Crowd on display.
Down the road a bit is the huge T-9 manufacturing plant. This is where they refine T-9 ore into products like Way Out and Bottomless Bag. Way Out is the famous "portable hole," and Bottomless Bag is a small flexible container that can hold literally everything. We recommend that you take the factory tour. It covers the entire history, from the mining and transportation of T-9 ore, the development of No Holes (the inert material used to make the Bottomless Bag and the container for Way Out), to the purification and manufacture of Way Out by virtual encrusted robots There's even an actual demonstration by Mother Huhu of how to get something back that has fallen into a Way Out. Very interesting stuff!
More information is available in town at the booth in Town Center, the museum, the mall, or at the Huhu Authority. As a tourist, you will find most citizens to be friendly and helpful. Be sure to familiarize yourself with the departure requirements, which have been recently modified to discourage the smuggling of encrusted articles. Be warned: They strictly enforce customs regulations.
The Real Growlerville
(A first hand account by investigative journalist, Mr. E)
The Forbidden Zone
After many moons and inquiries, and after agreeing not to hold them responsible for anything, the Huhu Authority finally arrange for us to directly observe the Forbidden Zone, escorted by researchers from the Oldold Institute. The professionals who go there to conduct studies refer to it as "the Zone." Our trip with them takes place in an armored personnel carrier surrounded by several hyper zeta protective fields. As we head toward the Zone through the bleak buffer area, past the scarecrows, through the corridor, we hope our protective technology is enough. In the distance, we recognize the unusual cloud formations and purple smoke that we saw in the film at the museum. It's stunning.
Sensors capable of detecting the presence of encrusted forms are evident everywhere on our vehicle and they start going off the moment we entered the Zone. Within moments, all sound stops. We try to speak, but no sounds are possible. Even naturally occurring sounds become noticeably absent. The researchers shut down the engine and instruct us with hand motions to be quiet. After a few moments of silence, things return to normal, and we are off again. The scientists explain that we had just experienced the presence of the invisible Noise Thief, an encrusted form which seeks out and consumes audio energy. It was hungry, and came over to us to graze on our noise! Imagine what would happen if one of these escaped from the Zone!
Within the Forbidden Zone, scientists are continually discovering new encrusted entities, some resembling life forms, like the Noise Thief, others resembling mineral forms, and even some with multiple realities. The encrusted forms which have evolved here are much hardier than most, for they have had to adapt to outrageous changes. Some have become microscopic, like the Tiny Timber, or the Betwixt & Between virus. Others can become huge, and go underground great distances before emerging, like the Cloud Eater, or the Upsy. Others conserve energy by disappearing for most of the time, reappearing only when conditions provide high moisture or other forms of nutrition, like the well known Swine Laurel, the Timefish, or the beautiful Stone Berry. Interactions between these diverse encrusted forms has led to the constant evolution of new, incomprehensible natural powers, some potentially very dangerous to citizens of Growlerville.
A short while later the sensors again go off as we approached a group of strange cactus-like trees, each with a single black or white flower at the top. The researchers call it the Sneeze. The black flowered tree has evolved a powerful attractive force, similar to that of a magnet, to pull from long distances the pollen from the white flowered plants. But the result is that many other things can get caught in the attractive force, like metals, even us! We give them a wide berth.
Despite the ominous sounding name, the Forbidden Zone offers a peek into the vast beauty of a stark, heavily encrusted, natural setting. Located far to the west of Growlerville, this area is strictly off limits to the recreational traveler. The Tourist Bureau recommends that you visit the Forbidden Zone exhibit at the Town Museum, where you can experience the natural beauty of the place without the extreme risks associated with a firsthand visit. They also recommend the bus tour - although it does not actually take you into the Forbidden Zone, you do get close enough to view the giant scarecrows placed at the town limits to remind citizens that they should turn back. Quite remarkable indeed!
Traveling around in the Forbidden Zone has given me a new respect for the powerful forces at play here. Like mountain tops and open seas, this area can suddenly become extremely hazardous even while it remains beautiful. The researchers try to minimize risks, but the dangers may be everywhere as well as unknown. Scientists have mapped out certain areas known to be relatively safe - meaning that most who enter also return - and these are the areas under study.
The Oldold Institute's mandate is to study the resources of the Forbidden Zone in an effort to improve the lives of the community. Although the Institute was formed in ancient times, only recently have some realistic benefits from research actually been within reach. I ask for a demonstration of these promising results and they are eager to show me when we get back.
Silent Falls & The Noise Thief
Now, we're headed toward the huge system of waterfalls called Silent Falls, so named because it really is completely silent. The sensors on our vehicle are all showing the presence of large numbers of encrusted forms. As we get closer, the effect is even spookier. The falls are huge! This place should be roaring with water sounds. My hosts point my attention toward the shoreline below the falls. I see tiny wet forms slowly moving toward dry land. Very cute little creatures. I am told that these are Noise Thieves like those we experienced earlier as they grazed on our sounds, making it impossible for us to speak. Normally, they are invisible. But when they get wet, they not only become visible, but also unable to consume sound. Silent Falls is laden with paradox: because of the loud sounds created by the falls, the Noise Thief thrives here, creating silence. As the Noise Thief moves closer and closer to the source of the sound, it gets wet, becomes visible, and can't eat sound! Then it moves away, dries off, and comes back to repeat the process. One of the researchers climbs out of our vehicle and picks up a vulnerable, wet Noise Thief. She brings it back in a damp towel and I get a close up look. So cute and tiny. They're bringing this one back to study. It gets put into an isolation canister with it's own tiny sound system - but this sound system provides sustenance for the Noise Thief! I'm told they like all kinds of music.
We head into more hilly terrain and the research team stops to point out the barren flat land ahead. They pull out maps and from their discussion I learn that yesterday there was a large encrusted forest in this place. Since the sensors show no encrusted forms nearby, the absence of the forest is not alarming the crew, but I feel a little creepy. They conjecture that the forest is just behaving naturally - disappearing or traveling somewhere in response to things we don't understand. Someone suggests that this may be the famous Time Forest, that moves around in time seeking more favorable conditions. They take a lot of pictures and we move on. I can see we're headed back because I recognize the formations along our trail.
The scientists teach me some of the historical background on the Forbidden Zone. For most of the historic past, the Forbidden Zone was actually that: forbidden. No one was permitted to enter it. The Parents of Antiquity, whose documents are one of the foundations of Huhu Law, declared harsh penalties for anyone who entered what they called the "Sacred Reservoir," which was reserved only for the highest elders who sought to make peace with the incredible forces known to reside there.
Glitch
However, when valuable and rare minerals were rumored to be easily available, it became acceptable to sneak into the Forbidden Zone to go treasure hunting. The first substance of recognized value to be taken commercially was a gem called "Glitch." It's visual beauty is stunning, and an entire industry developed around mining this mineral and selling it as jewelry. But it was a perilous occupation, and many of these miners never returned from the Zone. The government at first tried to protect the citizens from the apparent dangers of the Zone by increasing the penalties for illegal entry. This strategy boomeranged by driving the value of Glitch to new highs. Glitch jewelry became the fashion rage, and caused the number of arrests & imprisonments for illegal entry to the Forbidden Zone to skyrocket, leading to a political movement which would drastically change the way society viewed the Zone. The Ancient Huhu Council finally reversed itself and declared the area open to anyone foolish enough to enter. The government strongly advised against entry, and provided free counseling to anyone who felt compelled to go in, but there would be no more punishments. As it became widely available, the value of Glitch collapsed to the point where today the mineral is no longer considered valuable, except as antique jewelry.
The new law opened the eyes of a young Oldold, who had been perfecting processes involving the creation of substances with encrusted properties. With a small handful of healing agents and undo enchantments as protection, Oldold entered the Forbidden Zone and started gathering information on every encrusted form he could identify. His findings led him to believe that society would someday benefit from the proper harnessing of forces available in the Zone. The Oldold Institute was founded with this purpose in mind.
Nowadays most keep their distance from the Forbidden Zone. The huge statues, although they look ancient, are really very new, put up to remind wandering Growlers that they're too close to the Zone. The Growlers themselves lobbied for the statues when it became apparent that they were by far the biggest victims of the Forbidden Zone, mostly a result of unintentional wandering.
Insurgents & The Ethics Of Encrusted Animal Research
We make it back to the Institute. As we enter the compound, technicians run out to meet the vehicle and wash off the dust. They motion for us to follow them into a laboratory. The door is marked "Noise Thief Studies." Mother Huhu's crew from the Magic Helpline is cleaning up from an earlier live broadcast and tells us the astounding news. Every single Noise Thief in the entire lab escaped from its canister. The researcher who had recently captured a Noise Thief said, "not every one!" and picked up her canister. But to her surprise, the canister's door had also been opened from the outside, like all the others in the lab. They quickly sprayed a little water in the area, but the creature was gone. Well, readers, guess what just got out of the Forbidden Zone? I learn that more than a dozen Noise Thieves are unaccounted for! All the researchers are summoned to emergency meetings and I am left alone with all the empty Noise Thief canisters in the lab, and suddenly I feel very uneasy about being back in Growlerville.
The Noise Thief problem put the harsh spotlight of public criticism on Forbidden Zone research. Up until now, the scientific community was so highly respected that no one ever questioned its methods or ethics in its seemingly noble pursuit of knowledge.
But this all changed when the press learned that Noise Thieves from the Forbidden Zone had carried out a successful rescue mission to free family members being held against their will by researchers at the Oldold Institute's noise suppression unit.
What followed happened rapidly. This tourist observed an overnight political groundswell as the media played up the Noise Thief as victim, calling the tiny containment canisters "miniature prisons" and "solitary confinement" for the poor, innocent creatures. The scientists at first wrote off the claims of animal rights advocates, arguing that the research was clearly intended to better life in Growlerville. But the tiny, seemingly helpless creatures had already won the hearts of the citizenry, and the influential EARS (Encrusted Animal Rights Society) lobby was formed to push for changes in laws governing the ethical use of encrusted animals in research. The acceptable research now seems to be focusing on communication with the creatures rather than exploiting their powers. I think it's a big improvement.
More Glitch
Just as the Noise Thief issue was dying down, Professor QB Snifs released an astonishing scientific paper documenting his research on the mineral known as Glitch. The conclusions were so incredible, no one believed them at first. But the researcher's reputation for accuracy and impeccable attention to detail played a major role in convincing those within the government to act swiftly based on his discoveries.
The paper reveals how overly frequent experiences of deja vu led Snifs to a devastating yet obvious conclusion. The inordinate amount of deja vu seemed to be related to the proximity of a light emitting microscopic crystal in one particular mineral sample. When he isolated & tested the sample, he could not identify it. But when he sorted the sample for crystals of the same size, he found the only mineral of similar size was microscopic Glitch. He theorized that Glitch transformed itself into the active agent. He isolated the minute particles of Glitch, and put them under the video microscope running a continuous recording to document any changes. Snifs tells how he fell asleep at the lab and dreamed that a Glitch crystal had activated into the substance he could not identify. This frightened him and he woke up. He found himself in the lab and again, like in his dream, he finds that a Glitch crystal had activated into the substance he could not identify. Again this scared him but he realized it was just a dream as he awoke once more, only to discover himself in the lab, etc., etc. It seemed to go on forever, but when it finally stopped and things seemed normal, he ran the video tape and observed that only one microscopic crystal of Glitch had activated.
Now Snifs was really scared. If such a tiny amount of activated Glitch can cause such havoc with your experience of reality, it would be a total catastrophe if a jewel sized sample were to activate. Reasoning that Glitch activation occurred in cycles, Snifs researched the great disasters of the past in painstaking detail. From his foray into the historic record he concluded that the great social upheavals we study in school, The Age Of Confusion and the Legacy of Chaos, were both caused by the mass activation of Glitch, on a 20,000 moon cycle. It also happens that today is the day predicted for activation based on that cycle.
So let us back up a moment. Snifs is now claiming that Glitch, mined in the Forbidden Zone by our ancestors, and in everyone's jewelry boxes, was not the harmless jewel we all thought it was. Quite the opposite - Glitch was an encrusted mineral, only in dormant form. Not only that, but all Glitch was about to momentarily become activated, causing great disruptions in society unless it could be removed from our midst.
The Great Glitch Recall went into effect immediately. Citizens were asked to turn in any Glitch they had voluntarily. Everything seemed to be going well, until Glitch detection devices showed that not all Glitch was being surrendered. "If citizens are not cooperating, we're doomed to chaos!" Snifs lamented. The Huhu Authority hastily put together an enforcement unit whose orders were to retrieve all Glitch, surreptitiously if necessary. It's a noble effort, but the feeling is that without complete cooperation, gathering all the Glitch in Growlerville is just not feasible in the short time frame before activation. "The window of opportunity is about to slam shut unless we get very lucky," sighed Grandpa Huhu, acting chair of the emergency session. Wait a second... Didn't he just say that?
The Hall Of Disasters & EverCool
I'm in the Growlerville museum, just outside the new exhibit "The Hall Of Disasters," waiting for Doan Givva Hu, the curator. He's late. It's a huge brightly lit room with a large dark rock on a pedastal in the very center. The plaque explains that this is a sample of an encrusted mineral called the Shadow Sponge that Oldold carried out of the Forbidden Zone long ago. A recorded voice says "Notice that you cast no shadows when you stand near the sample." There are bright lights directly above, yet I notice that I REALLY DON'T HAVE A SHADOW! I lift my foot off the floor and there is definitely no shadow. It's a very strange sensation, like maybe I'm really invisible so all the light just goes through me. Growler Louise sees how entertained I am and comes over to tell me that this exhibit may soon have to be moved into the Hall Of Disasters.
When I say I don't understand, she walks off shaking her head. She can be so unhelpful. The display shows a serious looking Dr. Growler holding an ice cream cone in one hand, and something called "The Shadow Harvester," which looks like a vacuum cleaner in the other. He's standing next to an air conditioner, a refrigerator, and a big stack of sunblock. All the products have the omnipresent EverCool logo clearly visible. The caption reads: "By applying technology to the encrusted resource contained in the Shadow Sponge, Dr. Growler was able to create useful products that everyone wanted." His generous contributions to the community include this wing of the museum.
The old lady who takes tickets comes over to me and hands me a note. It's a message from Doan - he's been called into an emergency session of the funding committee. He apologizes and suggests I start the Hall Of Disasters without him, and he'll catch up with me later. I was really hoping to get all the juicy, well informed details Doan is known to for, but...
When I enter the Hall, I am amazed at how huge this exhibit is. I was expecting to see representations of a few of the unique kinds of disasters Growlerville is known for, but there are HUNDREDS of different magic disasters documented here. The program lists more than 300. I am especially impressed with the variety of encrusted sources which are categorized by type: Geologic, Biologic, and Other. Geologic refers to naturally occurring substrates, minerals & liquids; Biologic means plants, animals, & microbes; and Other includes sounds, smells, encantations, combinations and the unexplainables. Science has a different meaning here.
Camouflage
I wander over to the Camouflage Disaster. It's a lifesize, 3 dimensional display of a typical garage. The plaque reads: "Do you see any of Grandpa Huhu's equipment in his garage?" I can't see anything other than the walls and the door, and a grease mark on the floor. The plaque changes to: "One drop of Camouflage was accidentally introduced into Grandpa Huhu's garage. Over time, it consumed the visibility of everything he stored there. Please use the provided viewers to see first hand the effects of Camouflage." The viewers look like safety goggles for a chemistry lab but with microcircuitry laced across all surfaces. I put them on and am astounded to see that the garage is so full of stuff that nothing else will fit into it!
I am spellbound as I read about Camouflage. It's a purple liquid that smells like grape juice and comes in a tiny bottle which was specially designed as a containment vessel. Camouflage can climb out of normal receptacles by itself. It's an encrusted substance, so the concepts of traditional physics do not apply. This disastrous stuff was originally developed from Geologic sources by ancient Huhu shaman practioners to help their kin hunt game. When it was first introduced, it was so successful that prey populations fell precipitously. But after a short period of time, it was abandoned, not for ecological reasons, but because hunters started losing their belongings. Camouflage was so potent and effective an agent that anything that came in contact with it was lost forever, camouflaged so well it could not be seen. And this is where the potential for disaster turned to reality. Unknown to its shaman creators was the fact that once outside the containment vessel, Camouflage would move from object to object, slowly devouring the visibility of anything in its path. And to make things worse, once released, there was no way to recapture it. Many citizens lost their homes, family members, some lost everything. It was a disaster of major proportions.
Many, many moons passed before a solution was found, which explains why this disaster grew so far out of control. By then, whole portions of what we now call Growlerville were no longer visible, and a huge number of citizens had been reported missing. The solution consisted of a super clear liquid known as "100% Visibility." Camouflage could not resist it. Containment vessels baited with a tiny amount of this liquid, and designed so that Camouflage could enter but not leave, soon recaptured all the fearsome encrustation. And a simple application of 100% Visibility restored to normal anything whose visibility had been compromised.
I wander toward the entrance hoping to see Doan, but instead find a small crowd, huddled around someone's portable radio. The locals are very upset to learn that the Huhu Authority just voted to ban the harvesting of shadows until further notice because of environmental concerns. Trading in EverCool stock has just been halted, and I'm getting the creepy feeling that Growler Louise was right.
Imposimazoo, Timefish & Growler Louise
I'm still here in the Growlerville Museum, waiting to have my scheduled session with the entertaining and knowledgeable curator, Doan Givva Hu. He unexpectedly has to deal with some emergency funding issue and suggests I wait for him in The Hall of Disasters. The exhibits are truly stupendous. The Imposimazoo pavillion has an amazing demonstration of this little imposter's capabilities. Contained with nothing to copy, it's an egg. Unleashed, it can take on almost any form at will, and it especially tries to become things you will want to touch, as that begins its rapid reproductive cycle. In the middle of the presentation, from the corner of my eye, I see Growler Louise walking out so I quietly follow. She leaves the Hall of Disasters and ducks into the Temporal Anomaly room. I follow but don't see her anywhere. There's an impressive exhibit on a strange creature called the Timefish. It does not live in water - it swims through the air. The display shows a huge school exiting a cave-like disturbance called the Temporal Vortex. Apparently, these encrusted creatures create this vortex through which they can "swim" into other timezones, in search of more favorable survival conditions. The creature and the Temporal Vortex it creates are of deep interest to me, but I am distracted as I again spot Louise, this time heading outside. I try to follow, but she sees me and disappears onto the streets of Growlerville.
Growler Louise has become somewhat of a celebrity of late. Pop culture here in Growlerville is driven by forces that are beyond understanding. Louise's popularity stands at an all time high in spite of her derisive and dismissive attitude toward her fans. Articles in the gossip press about all aspects of her life are ubiquitous. This is especially puzzling when you realize how reclusive she is. When was the last time you actually saw her? Or heard her? See what I mean? But the real proof of her imminent leap to superstardom is this email assignment from my boss, "Get an interview with GL for the next issue of GrowlerZone."
Louise and I were buddies from way back before Growlerville became so hip. She wanted the press, and I was happy to spin for her. I'm quite enthralled by her actually, and I think she feels the same way towards me. I email my boss a "no problem" and pick up the phone. When I dial her private line, I get an employee, a staff screener! I guess it's not the private line anymore. I ask for Louise and have to leave a message.
That was 9 weeks ago. I am going to miss the GrowlerZone deadline, and I am no closer to that interview. The lesson here is that anyone who tells his boss it's easy to connect with Growler Louise is nuts. I have been working on it, going nowhere for months. Celebrity status has really gone to her head - she doesn't return my calls anymore and for any actual appointments I get from her staff, she's always a no show. And she used to be my buddy! So much for friendship once you make the A list. I lick my wounds and email my editor the bad news.
Fortunately getting an interesting replacement story is no problem in this town. My press status gets me into a lot of cool stuff - like this invitation to a taping of Mother Huhu's Magic Helpline. I hop a cab crosstown to the Growler Broadcasting Center. There's a huge crowd outside trying to get a peek at the celebrities. Someone starts yelling that Growler Louise has arrived, and the crowd goes nuts. I don't see her, but use the opportunity to push through the throng toward the entrance. Security is very high.
Mother Huhu & Fast Fingers
The guard stops me & I flash my press card. He studies it carefully, and asks me my name before allowing me to enter the facility. I am directed to Soundstage B where the Magic Helpline is taped. The stage is circular, surrounded by audience on all sides. Mother Huhu's on stage with a piano, a drum kit, a didjeri doo, and a bass, but my eye is drawn to what appears to be a strange pair of gloves, designed for a seven fingered person, on a table next to her. I quietly take a seat. There's a problem. Domenick, the technician, is fooling with the right glove using some cool diagnostic device. Mother Huhu looks exasperated.
"It's the functionality sensor on the secondary index," he says.
"Do we have to reschedule?"
"This is a major repair. Did someone try to use these underwater?"
The taping is rescheduled for tomorrow. I grab Dom, as he walks by me carrying the gloves. "I bet Sammy took these fishing again," he mutters. He motions for me to follow him into the maintainence area. It's an amazing place and these are awesome devices. Dom tells me the gloves are called Fast Fingers, an encrusted product born of body extension technology. Worn by a normal five fingered person, they greatly magnify one's dexterity with the application of encrusted technology and 2 extra fingers! He lets me try them after he completes the repair
At first it is a bit weird to have seven fingers, but soon I am able to do amazing things - like tie the laces on my sneakers with one hand, or tie both laces at the same time. Dom has been practicing and shows me how he can type on 8 computer keyboards simultaneously, while juggling 31 objects! His hands are flying! I try the juggling part and am awestruck when I can comfortably juggle 8 objects within a few minutes. Dom says I may take Fast Fingers home with me to familiarize myself with their potential. I am ecstatic. The only precaution he says is not to get them wet. He gives me a pair of seven fingered rubber gloves to go over the Fast Fingers in case I want to do something like wash dishes. I thank Dom profusely and head back home, wearing the system on my hands. I am bionic! They are such fun, and so incredibly useful! Imagine being able to brush your teeth, floss, wash your face, shave, squeeze pimples, put on lotion, and brush your hair - all at the same time! This is much more fun than Growler Louise!
If you remember from my last column, Dominick let me borrow the Fast Fingers from the set of Mother Huhu's Magic Helpline. Born of body extension technology, Fast Fingers looks like a pair of seven fingered gloves. But in reality, they help any normal five fingered person become dexterous beyond belief. Mother Huhu was doing a demonstration, playing 4 musical instruments at the same time - becoming her own ensemble! When I first put them on, I am able to tie my shoelaces with one hand! I can type on the keyboard - on 7 keyboards - faster than I can think. At the same time, I can cook with one hand and wash dishes with the other (wearing the special 7 fingered rubber gloves, of course). I can keep 14 yo-yos going! I can pitch a curve ball the comes back to me! I'm sewing with 4 needles faster than any sewing machine! I am having so much fun with this wonderfully weird prosthesis, that I decide to order a pair. Dominick says I have to get on the 27 page waiting list - apparently, a lot of others see the amazing potential of this device. I sign up and leave a deposit. "Soon," he says.
ATBE & Fake Bugs In The Industrial Park
The way home from Dom's shop takes me past numerous industrial parks, research centers, their shipping and storage areas, and other mysterious sections designated with signs like, "implosives" or "temporals" or "endotherms." Most of the lots are empty. Some have empty containers. The only lot that has a fence is marked "Disposal." Inside, there is a tarp over a pile of something. From the fence, it appears to be just household junk, covered with some kind of green mold. The sign inside says, "Danger! ATBE, keep away from rain." I've learned that anything marked "Danger" in Growlerville should probably be marked "Extreme Danger!!!"
From far away, silent lightning erupts in the sky. Just as I step up the pace toward home, I see a large crate in an area designated "recovery." The crate looks like it may have fallen off a truck. One side is smashed and partially open. As I get closer, I can see a label marked "Research 1A" and dead insects scattered about in the yard around the crate. It's gross and creepy. A big box of bugs? For a moment I am paralyzed, but my curiosity overcomes my queasiness and I approach the huge carton, trying not to step on any of the bodies. There are so many that they are unavoidable, and when I do step on one, it doesn't feel like a real bug. It's springy and rubbery. Upon closer inspection, I can see that the insects are not real, but realistic, synthetic replicas of a species of cricket. This is one humongus shipment of fake bugs!
As I put one of the insects into my pocket, a fleet of white trucks with "Fred Forever" bumper stickers and "Research 1A" on the doors thunders onto the lot. A bunch of really big guys wearing mirrored sunglasses and visors jump out and tell me there's a security issue and that I must leave immediately. I ask who they work for and what the bugs are for, but they are only interested in getting me out of there. These are very serious dudes. When I mention that I'm a reporter, they look at each other as if acknowledging the potential for trouble, and then the obvious leader points in the direction of my exit. No more words are exchanged. From across the road I watch them haul away the crate and all the bugs on the lot.
EARS
Before their dust could settle, a black motorcycle streaks out of nowhere and pulls up beside me. It's Grandpa Huhu. The old guy is a hoot with his black leather riding outfit, black helmet, black boots, gloves. At first, he doesn't believe my story. He's sure I'm messing around with him until I show him my rubber bug. He recognizes the species and becomes very insistent that we go to EARS (Encrusted Animal Rights Society) headquarters immediately. No way I'm riding on the back of his cycle. He persuades me to give him the rubber bug, as evidence of a plot to carry out some environmental crime. I learn from him that "Research 1A" refers to Professor Growler's secret project focused on something called the temporal vortex - an opening in the time continuum created by an encrusted creature called the timefish as it enters a timezone. EARS has planted moles in Prof. Growler's research team, and is preparing to sabotage his experiment to keep him from harming this protected creature. Grandpa Huhu thinks the fake crickets are part of an elaborate plan to capture the timefish, something EARS wants to prevent. I'm not sure I understand it all, but Grandpa Huhu could not hang around to fill me in. We make plans to meet after dinner, and he zooms off. Distant thunder is no longer distant.
I am left by the side of the road wondering what is going on. I get this feeling I'm onto something really big, and really weird. So why did I have to give Grandpa Huhu my rubber bug? It's the only real proof I had of what really happened. By the way, what really did happen?
It turns out that the fake bugs mentioned in my last column really were for use in a scientific experiment. If you remember from last time, I was walking through the industrial park section of town when I came upon a damaged crate filled with rubber crickets. Big guys in white trucks came and cleaned up the site, removing the crate and all the spilled crickets - except for the one I had stashed in my pocket, and which is now in the hands of Grandpa Huhu and EARS (Encrusted Animal Rights Society). So now I'm walking back to town, having refused a ride on the back of his motorcycle.
The front that was approaching is now upon me so I trudge through the rain in the direction of town. This should be just a brief shower. As I pull up my hood, there is a loud explosion behind me from one of the lots in the industrial park. Hurrying back, I observe numerous more eruptions, and strangely swirling smoke. It is the stuff under the tarp, labeled ATBE. A fragment of the sign, "Danger! ATBE: keep away from rain," floats across the road in the wash of the downpour. The entire tarp is shredded, and as more and more of the stuff under the tarp gets wet, more explosions and weird fires break out. I back away several blocks and can see that the impacted area is slowly increasing as the rain continues to feed the unstable reactions. There are hundred of small, exploding purple fires now claiming more than two of the lots. The smoke from these strange flames appears to be moving backwards - that is, into the reaction. It's an amazing display - purple flames that seem to absorb smoke. The rain lets up, and the fires and explosions come to a halt. Left on the lots is the same green, moldy powder as on the objects under the tarp.
The sun comes out again. The tarp is completely destroyed, and the fence around it is coated with the green powder as is the blacktop out to the road. Whatever was under that tarp has escaped into the environment. If it's really dangerous, why isn't someone cleaning it up right now? Why didn't an alarm go off? And the other obvious question is: Why is ATBE dangerous? My next move is to find the appropriate authorities and start asking questions. A car zooms by, oblivious to the green dust cloud it creates as it rolls right over a fresh deposit of ATBE, throwing it into the air and carrying it off within the tire treads.
Problems With The Election
I'm out of breath from jogging all the way into town. There is a long line waiting to get into the school. I am told that these are folks waiting to vote in the hotly contested race for the seat on the Huhu Authority. An ambulance pulls up while I am questioning voters. This crowd is very unhappy about having to wait. Ms. Babalyn Rymon told me, "Usually you're in and out of there, and there's never a line." I walk to the front, where there are three voting booths, each with evidence of the green powdery stuff, and the very first person to enter each has yet to emerge. They've been in there for just over an hour. The officials here have called the ambulance just in case. From the overheard conversations with the voters in the booths and the paramedics, there is no medical emergency, just an inordinate amount of indecision. The situation, however unusual, becomes a boring wait after a while, so I move on toward the center of town.
I spot Grandpa Huhu's motorcycle parked outside the EARS Building. At first, the guard refuses to let me in, saying there is a closed meeting in progress. But after showing him my press card, and complaining that I am the one who provided the evidence, he makes a call, and Grandpa Huhu appears. He takes me to a small conference room protected by student guards. Inside the hardcore leadership of this radical organization is engaged in a heated discussion about some recent environmental abuse. Remember the recent Camouflage disaster, when the ancient visibility consuming agent got out of control? It wasn't caused, like everyone assumed, by that accident during the taping of Mother Huhu's Magic Helpline. EARS operatives uncovered an internal memo proving that instead of carting their garbage to legal landfills, waste disposal giant Skimzo Corp treated tons of their refuse with active Camouflage, then dumped it in the nearby woods without recontaining the Camouflage. This stupidity lead to a huge deficit in the city budget caused by the cleanup, and EARS wants to be sure that Skimzo contributes its due share of these expenses.
Just as they begin discussing the fake cricket research project, the meeting is interrupted by an announcement from the Huhu Authority. The election has been postponed to an unspecified date. But more than this, a crisis committee meeting has been called. A General Emergency is in place. This is serious stuff. I'm trying to find out what's going on, but all phone lines are jammed, and no calls are getting through. As I step outside, another rain shower is underway, and I can hear the explosions and see the strange fires of ATBE off in the distance. The Huhu Authority building is now guarded by security forces, and no one wants to talk to me.
I can still hear the distant explosions as the rain reacts with the mysterious ATBE powder originally stored on a lot in the industrial park just outside town. They seem to be quieting down, even though the rain continues. I'm trying to catch up to Grandpa Huhu who I just saw, walking toward the Huhu Authority building. As I approach the entrance, I am kept out by the numerous armed guards. I say I'm with Grandpa Huhu, but they are not impressed. This is a public building, so denial of access is a significant issue for any journalist. The guards respond to my protests saying that it's standard procedure when the Authority declares a General Emergency. All government buildings are in lockdown. They are courteous but firm - no way am I going to get in, no matter freedom of the press, or the right of citizen access.
Imposimazoo, ATBE Redux
Across the street, because it's not governmental, the EARS (Encrusted Animal Rights Society) building is open. It's deserted, no one even at the doorman station. I wander back to the conference room, where all the lights are on, but no one is here. On the dais is my rubber cricket, wrapped in two identical white handkerchiefs. I can't believe Grandpa Huhu is so sloppy with valuable evidence, so I roll up the fake bug in the hankies, and pop it into my shirt pocket. There's a newspaper on the conference table with the headline, "Imposimazoo Discovered At Dig." It's a strange yet familiar name. I recall that in the Hall Of Disasters at the museum, it has its own pavilion. There is a photograph of an archaeologist standing in front of the Growlerville waterslide, holding a ceramic urn decorated with ancient hieroglyphs. According to the article, the scientists uncovered an urn, buried deep beneath huge, intentionally positioned stones, that bore the markings of the mythological creature, the Imposimazoo. The name "Imposimazoo" translates as "superlative impostor." For most of history, the Huhu never knew what the imposimazoo looked like. They only knew that it represented a monumental disaster that caused great societal disruption until it was finally overcome and contained by the ancients. Its powerful ability to mimic physical objects wreaked havoc on the populous. Victims were confused by the appearance of extra shoes, jewelry, clothing, even extraneous body parts, like extra ears, fingers and noses. Finally, relief was discovered in the form of an encrusted aromatic capability, or magic smell, that enabled the capture and containment of the menace.
Before I can learn any more, my reading is interrupted by a rush of footsteps behind me and in an instant I am surrounded by large men wearing uniforms. Some of them are familiar security police, and others wear badges that say "environmental enforcement." They are aiming their screeching sampling devices at my feet. Apparently they detect something on my person. Using some ancient looking cylinders - flashlight-like devices that give off amazingly brilliant green and red lights - they focus the beams on my shoes. I watch as shimmering purple traces on the soles slowly fade away. I am told that I have been cleansed of the contaminant, ATBE or All Things Being Equal. The officers who are treating me say that I am lucky to not have been affected by the spores I had on my shoes. The primary symptoms of confusion and indecision seem minor until it is explained to me that the uncontrolled spread of ATBE throughout Growlerville is the reason the election had to be postponed. No one could make up their minds in the voting booth. And when they finally rescued the Election Committee, they found them victimized in a pathetic discussion of whether or not to break for lunch - yesterday's lunch. Apparently, ATBE destroys your ability to make decisions by making all the possibilities you are considering appear equal. Insidious poison!
But now everything seems to be under control. A last minute breakthrough revealed that there is a vast difference between fresh rainwater, and more stale forms of the same liquid. Only extremely fresh rainwater fueled the ATBE fires. Researchers found that when stale water (like from the birdbath) was added to ATBE samples, there was no reaction. When added to an ongoing purple fire reaction caused by fresh rainwater, the stale water interrupted the reaction and brought it to a complete halt. Then the rescuers were able to eliminate the remaining spores with the emitters' red and green curative lights.
The rescuers persuade me to volunteer to help them extinguish ATBE. They issue me some equipment which includes an emitter, a uniform and a shovel. I get a quick course on how to use the emitter, the shovel, and other miscellaneous supplies. But as I am getting ready to leave with them, one of the security police asks me if I know anything about the theft of ancient artifacts. He is staring at my shirt pocket. My mind is racing. He looks very serious, like maybe I committed a crime. Is the cricket I took from the lot in the industrial park an ancient artifact? They didn't have rubber or plastic back then. I pull the hanky wrapped bug from my pocket and hand it to the officer. Before I can explain how I came into possession of the bug, the cop unrolls the cloth, revealing not one, but two fake crickets! The rubber bug is reproducing! I am too shocked to comment. The cop focuses not on the weird fake insects, but the handkerchief in which they were packaged, picking it up and carefully inspecting the monogram, which until now I had not even noticed.
In the next few moments, I find myself under arrest, advised of my rights, and held without bail, charged with the theft of cultural artifacts and the environmental crime of reckless dispersal. Apparently, the newly discovered urn containing the Imposimazoo was stolen. The fear is that its contents were released into the environment. I am being falsely accused of this crime based on my possession of a hanky. No explanation is forthcoming. A total bummer. I am handcuffed and led away, a victim of circumstantial injustice. But on the positive side, as a prisoner, I gain entrance to the Huhu Authority building, where the real action is. As I sit on a hard bench in a caged detention area, I begin to realize the magnitude of my troubles. Then, suddenly, it hits me. Just as the danger of ATBE is subsiding, another disaster takes its place. Having two fake bugs now when before there was only one, is hard to explain, but there is an equally troubling aberration. When the cop unrolled the bugs, there was only one hanky!
Victimized By Imposimazoo
I'm being held in a caged detention area in Enforcement on the 6th Floor of the Huhu Authority building. There's an annoying fellow named Sammy in here with me. He is ranting about being innocent, and is going on and on about the existence of a government cover-up. He is accused of stealing an egg of the Imposimazoo. Sammy claims that he stole nothing, that it took the form of his keys. "It wasn't a theft! I was tricked into thinking it was my keys!" He's outraged. The phones in the precinct start lighting up. It's really incredible, every few seconds another call. From the responses of the detectives, citizens are reporting sightings of the Imposimazoo all over Growlerville. So the mythical little bugger is loose and wreaking havoc everywhere, and I'm just starting to get a glimpse of what the consequences are.
I wish I could get out of lockup and start hunting this story down. As if reading my mind, the head security officer opens the cage, tells us we may leave, and thanks us for cooperating in this investigation. After Sammy sounds off about the unjust detention of innocents, he reminds us that they are only doing their job in an effort to protect the general public, and asks us to report any information we come across that could help to end this emergency. He gives me back my belongings in a paper bag, and walks away in a manner that discourages me from asking questions. I quickly check for my wallet, but am flabbergasted to see only one hanky, only one rubber bug, but two wallets - two identical wallets. When I tell Sammy, he quickly grabs the bag and motions for me to be quiet. But the officer has overheard us and now is questioning me about the wallets. "If it's contaminated, we'll have to confiscate and quarantine..." Sammy interrupts him, saying that because I'm a crazy journalist, I always carry two wallets, like every other crazy journalist. The officer miraculously believes him and we are free to go. "You owe me bigtime," Sammy whispers. He's annoying, but useful.
On the way down, questions flood my mind, but I get sidetracked when a crowd of legislators rushes into the already cramped elevator. I overhear murmurs of an incredible event involving counterfeit money, closed off streets, a meeting of the crisis committee, and other very juicy stuff being bandied about. I am deeply disappointed when the door opens before I can learn more. But as we leave the building, I see that the story has come to me. The lobby is being set up as a temporary crisis center, with communications equipment and security support all around. The street in front of the building is littered with money. Guards are keeping crowds away as they cordon off the area with barricades. Traffic is a mess. It's an amazing sight. Sammy is shaking his head, grimacing. "This is bad!" he moans. "It's everywhere, even in the bag with your wallet."
Suddenly, I understand what's going on. This is the reason I was arrested and charged with reckless dispersal. This is the catastrophe that the ancients hoped to spare us with their hieroglyphic warnings. The translations read like a restatement of the Theory Of Opposites. The ancients describe this mythological creature as both having no form and having all forms, as being both harmless and disastrous. This is the Imposimazoo. Its reproductive process requires making physical contact with a host. It accomplishes this by altering its appearance to make you want to touch it. Hence the money, my wallet, Sammy's keys.
So how can I tell my real wallet from the Imposimazoo copy? Sammy shows me an amazing trick, using an empty wide-mouth jar. He manipulates the bag containing the wallets and drops one of them into the jar. After a short moment, he says, "That's your wallet in the jar! You can take it out, it's safe!" I take the wallet, and before I can ask what he's doing, he drops the other wallet into the jar. Almost instantly, the wallet changes form, becoming a small, translucent egg. Contained, with nothing to copy, it reverts to its egg form.
I ask Sammy why don't they just contain in jars all the Imposimazoo masquerading as money. Apparently it's too risky. It's very likely that the contamination would spread because the Imposimazoo are so clever at mimicking familiar objects. Plus, they reproduce when touched, and there's no way to know when you've touched one. As he is telling me this, I am completely distracted by what I see. One of Sammy's hands has two thumbs. Gross! He calmly smiles as he peels it off and puts it in the jar, where it becomes another egg. They're everywhere. I find myself checking my body.
The Dutchess Saves The Day
A large black limo pulls up to the barricade and the crowd comes alive. It's the Dutchess of Hu, and expectations are high. Researchers within the educational and industrial communities of Growlerville have been unable to find a reliable way to detect the presence of Imposimazoo, despite the huge effort being made. But the Dutchess, a private practitioner, claims to have developed an encrusted recognition protocol called Smell Identify that can help safely find the Imposimazoo. The enchantment provides the recipient the capability to smell its presence. As she exits her limo, she is immediately taken to the crisis center, set up in the lobby.
I was hoping she would immediately get to work, but there's been a long delay. It is now dark. Behind the barricades, the crowd has almost doubled in size. Finally, she comes back outside. We observe the Dutchess and two assistants as they walk out onto the street, sniffing, and picking up the money and placing it in jars, where the bills become eggs. Then the scene becomes even more surreal. The three approach the crowd, sniffing and picking up items from the citizens. We are shocked to find we have been carrying this menace all over us! Some have obvious contamination, like those with extra ears, fingers or noses. But a lot of jewelry and clothing are also exposed by the sniffers to be Imposimazoo. When they get to me, I proudly hand them the egg in the jar that once was a wallet. Sniffing at my face, the Dutchess pulls off a phony eyebrow that has wandered above my nose. Yuck! It's embarrassing, even humiliating, but in the end we are contamination free, thanks to the Dutchess' magic smells.
I'm back in my hotel room. It's late, I'm wiped out, but relieved, and really looking forward to a shower and a good night's sleep. But there's an irritating sound coming from my jacket. As if on cue, my pager is flashing with a short text message: "Crisis Committee called to emergency session. Check it out." I fall back on the bed, and it's a big mistake.
If you can't afford to fall asleep, don't close your eyes, not even to blink. I passed out the instant I relaxed on the bed, and as a result, I'm behind on a most important news event. Now I'm playing catch-up.
By the time I get to the Crisis Center, the only one there is security, and he just came on. Still, he knows more than I do. He tells me that it finally happened. "It's all over the radio. They all quit. Every last one of them!" He is speaking of the Elected Representatives to the Huhu Authority. Someone brought a banned book into the chambers, and it caused a massive upheaval. I apparently missed the biggest political story of the year! I can't believe it. My editor is not going to like this.
Petty Crimes & The Bottomless Bag
But before I can get too depressed, I hear sounds of a major altercation nearby. Yelling. Screaming. Someone has lost it. It's happening at the theater, right across the street. A children's movie is playing. I arrive along with a policewoman who has been called to the scene. The manager zeroes in on her and immediately says, "Get those cheaters out of there. They all snuck in without paying. Look!" He is holding up a large cloth handbag - a beautiful antique. She takes it, nods and asks how many snuck in. He says all but two. She pulls out her wallet and pays him for all their tickets and walks into the crowded theater. The rowdy behavior immediately ceases and when it gets quiet enough, she says without smiling, "You all know why I'm here." She holds up the antique bag, and a definite hush can be sensed. "Please raise your hand if you bought tickets for this show." Only 2 hands go up. "Everyone else must come forward and apologize to the manager. I will let you go with a warning this time, but if you are ever again caught stealing services, I will have to contact your parents, because it is a crime. What if your family owned this theater. Would you want everyone to sneak in without paying?" Embarrassed, they form an orderly line and begin their apologies. They are expecting to have to leave when the manager announces that their tickets have been paid for. A cheer goes up and they reenter the theater. But by this time, I am out on the street trying to keep up with this policewoman, who has become my hero. I want to ask her about that bag, which she confiscated, and now resides in her backpack.
"Hi, It's Bebe. So what's up?" I stupidly think she is speaking to me and I'm almost about to start a conversation... "It's resolved. Got a Bottomless out of it." Her communication technology is perfectly concealed. "What kind of complaint? Millions of them! Eeeuuuu!" She notices that I'm trying to interact and motions me to follow her. "This might be one for sanitation, Janine. Prof. Growler? I'm on it." I very awkwardly introduced myself and we're off and running.
Never realized how busy you can be as a police officer in Growlerville. Bebe explains to me that it's been getting worse and worse at so rapid a clip that they're going to have to double the force just to handle the paperwork. Although my mind is on that antique handbag, I can see that it's going to have to wait. Through her answers to my questions and by overhearing her speaking to Janine, the dispatcher, I learn that her immediate destination is a place called 1A, one of the most prestigious labs conducting encrusted research under the supervision of the famous Prof. Growler. This is an environmental enforcement call - several complaints were filed this morning about a huge number of insects seen on the premises. Fortunately, she doesn't seem to mind me tagging along.
Professor Growler's Project
I am very excited about the prospect of meeting Prof. Growler. He is a resident genius and dean of the post graduate research group at the School of Magic. He is best known as the creator of the Magic Qualification Examination, recently adapted by the new Licensing Commission in an effort to regulate some really dangerous stuff. He is one of the rare old timers who supports the anti-magic candidacy of Growler Fred for a seat on the Huhu Authority, even though the professor is an expert practitioner. As we get closer, I recognize the fleet of white trucks parked on the lot, and hanging around drinking coffee are the big guys with mirrored sunglasses and visors who chased me away from the industrial lot just outside of town. The large loading dock has "1A" in huge letters.
"Hey, Bebe! You're the champ! But watch out for that media man! Can't be trusted." These guys are very friendly with her, and very hostile towards me. "Gotta see the Professor," is all she says. We get taken through a door on the loading platform, through a storage area with huge boxes and machines, and into the main lab. Prof. Growler is standing in the hallway.
"Bebe, so nice of you to visit." He is extremely polite in a scary way. He looks at me suspiciously, and Bebe asks if he would rather I leave. "I don't mind, as long as he reports the truth. It's him spreading harmful, false rumors - that's the only problem I could have with him." I am introduced, but he only refers to me in the third person, even as he makes eye contact with me. Bebe gets down to business, "I'm investigating complaints of insects..." The professor cuts her off, "Of course, you are! Hahahaaaaw!" He looks directly at me and adds, "All those nosey busybodies out there poking around in the affairs of others... They're freaking out on bugs now?"
I am getting very creeped out by this treatment. Does he know me? Did I do something to insult him? Bebe steps in, "I'm supposed to make sure there is no danger of infestation..." Again he cuts her off, "Hahahahahaha! Danger of infestation! Hahahaha!" His laugh give me chills. I just want out of here. Then he points to a doorway labeled Temporal Vortex. I remember that term from the museum, but not its context. We enter another lab area - it's full of researchers and equipment. Walking all the way back to the loading docks, we enter a construction lab, and an assistant motions for the workers to stop. I can hear crickets chirping madly in the next room. Prof. Growler has a smirk on his face, looks me directly in the eye and says, "So I guess he thinks he knows what's going on from this little bit of knowledge, or does he think it's evidence? Some of his people think they saw some bugs, now he thinks he hears them, and bang! We're guilty of bug a boo environmental crimes..." Saved again by Bebe, "You do realize that if you're doing research involving insects, you have to apply for permission, and there is no record of such a filing..." He opens the door and inside we can see a floor covered with crickets, glistening and moving all over each other. Their sound is deafening.
This looks bad for Prof. Growler. Guess someone on his staff just forgot to file those papers. And it's definitely not the kind of thing you want to see in your neighborhood. But as we get closer, he hits a switch and suddenly it's quiet. He shut off the crickets! "You see, Bebe. As you probably suspected, no danger of infestation!" Now he's glaring at me and there is no escape, "Let this be a lesson to him who is so eager to jump to a bad conclusion about the business of others, in the name of selling stories! He will hopefully report it properly this time! I'm counting on you, Bebe, to not allow anyone to snoop around in here too much and learn our research secrets. I risk losing my competitive edge by being so open, but I don't want anyone to think we are breaking laws. Now... I am a busy man... Thank you for your visit, my lovely. Perhaps next time you will not be burdened so." And he is gone.
What a relief. We walk over to get close to the bugs. It's amazing. Thousands, maybe millions of fake crickets, just like the one in my pocket. Not only does the sound seem genuine, but every bug is mounted on a frame that moves to make them look incredibly real. I give myself a dope slap. This one happened right before my eyes, and I missed it completely. These are the bugs in the crate I saw outside town. The question is: What is he doing with massive amounts of rubber crickets and all this equipment to make them appear real?
After much persuading, Bebe is allowing me to buy her lunch. We're sitting at an outdoor table at Elma's Munch. She has no idea what kind of research the professor is doing. "The only ones I know who try to make fake bugs look real are fishermen. Perhaps he's going fishing." Bebe is brilliant. Of course he's going fishing. For Timefish.
I'm sitting at a window table in Elma's Munch with my new hero, the policewoman named Bebe. She lets me buy her lunch. We're relaxing before heading back into the fray for the last half of her shift. She can trace her ancestors back to the time of the Parents of Antiquity. They were practitioner/merchants, and although she trained to follow in their footsteps, a magic tragedy caused her to change course. Our waitress is good friend, and it's obvious they go way back. On her advice, we get a double order of something called "fried ladyslippers." It's fantastic! A local delicacy, ladyslippers grow wild in the surrounding forests. As we eat, I finally get a chance to ask her about the antique handbag.
Noice Thief In The Bottomless Bag
"You mean the Bottomless?" She pulls it out of her backpack. Folded up, it barely takes up any space, but the Bottomless Bag is a wonder to behold. If you remember, she confiscated it from the kids at the theater. When I ask her why she took it, and what the kids were doing with it, she can't believe I'm so ignorant. Under the new regulations for encrusted products, the Bottomless Bag is illegal. "It's dangerous! Look!" She holds it open before me. I am confused by the illogical perception of this encrusted space! You can hear the sounds of wind and distance. Looking in, the bottom is not discernible, and my instincts tell me not to fall in. Though the bag is only a few inches deep, I can insert my entire arm into it without feeling the bottom. "Put something into it." My handkerchief goes in. "More." My shoes. "More." My jacket. At this point, the bag still appears exactly the same - it has not increased in size or weight in spite of its contents. Now I get it. The kids snuck into the theater inside the bag, brought in by the two who paid for tickets. What a racket. No wonder it's illegal.
A call comes in. "Bebe here. That can wait until after Moon At Midnight." She's talking to Janine. "Oooh. That's a problem. Give me the details..." She's getting up, but I need to get my shoes and jacket back. Reaching into the bag is not working. "Turn it over," she motions me, interrupting her call. Holding it upside down over my lap, my stuff tumbles out after a brief delay. Then, I become aware that something else came out. Something I can feel in my lap, but something I cannot see. I say, "There's something invisible on my lap!" but I cannot hear my words, so I point. I'm shouting, but there's only silence. The entire cafe is silent. Then I notice that Bebe's trying to speak to dispatch, and now she's reaching for a glass of water... At the same moment, the thing in my lap jumps off of me, just as Bebe throws the water at it. I can't believe she did that! I'm soaked! As we sit, unable to speak, I remember a previous experience with the little creature that eats sounds. If Bebe had hit it with the water, we would have been able to see it...
"...you hear me? Ok, we're back now. Janine, I'm here! No no no. No problem. Let Environmental know that a Noise Thief is somewhere near Elma's. I'm headed to the warehouse per the plan."
We're going to check out a problem at the Moon At Midnight warehouse, where the recalled Bottomless Bags are being stored, supposedly under high security. The warehouse is behind the big store at the mall, and is a massive brick building. The manager is waiting for Bebe. He's a skinny, nervous guy named Sal, who invites us inside. But Bebe has other ideas. With Sal, we walk around the perimeter of the building. Almost immediately, she finds a hole in the wall. It's almost perfectly round. We go through and find ourselves in the T9 section. Bebe explains that this is where the products made from T9, including the Bottomless Bag, are stored. Sal is really embarrassed, as if this breach is his responsibility. Maybe it is. Maybe he's the problem.
Way Out
Bebe calls us over. She's studying the hole from the inside. "Look at this! It's a Way Out!" Sal is stunned, "The portable hole. Why not? This is the storeroom for all things T9." I'm not sure how she does it, but Bebe grabs the edge of the hole, pulls on it, and peels it off the wall! In her hands is a black, pizza sized flat object, which she rolls up and puts in a special box that Sal provides. There is no longer a hole in the wall. I am blown away and want to try it. "Be careful, use it only on the wall. Imagine what would happen if someone were to place that on the ground? That's why it's so dangerous. That's why they've been recalled. Like the Bottomless, it's made from T9."
On the floor, Bebe finds something, and carefully places it an evidence container. "This was an inside job..." Sal interrupts, "No way! Not a chance..." "The fact that this Way Out was used from the inside, means that it wasn't used to break in. And there's more than one culprit.
Bebe's hypothesis is that one or more thieves snuck into the storage facility inside a confiscated Bottomless, then helped themselves to the contraband which they carried out through the Way Out. Since you cannot get out of a Bottomless without help, she suspects an inside connection. She orders an investigation of all recent deliveries made to the warehouse. After checking in and filing a report, Bebe requests via dispatch to arrange a briefing with my old buddy, Growler Louise. Wow! What I would give to get a conversation with her! Bebe has some questions for her, and the power to get them answered. Janine calls back almost immediately, and we're off to the Lookout. On our way, Bebe refuses to answer any questions about Louise's role in all this. The only thing I learn is that she's managing some important secret project, and the government is involved.
From far away we can see Growler Louise looking through binoculars at something in the valley below. She's on her feet as we approach, and it's obvious that she's in a big hurry to go somewhere - she's not aware of us until we're close. "Louise, just have a couple of quick questions..." Bebe is pulling out the Bottomless in her pack. Louise is just barely tolerating us, "This is very inconvenient. I told them that this was a good time, but something unavoidable just came up... Look, I know this seems rude, but I have an urgent rendezvous, which I just can't miss it. It's a once in a lifetime kind of thing. Try me later..." And she's gone. I'm not even sure she saw me. Bebe is looking down into the meadow below, where Louise was focused, her mouth open. We see a familiar contraption, one shown to us by Dr. Growler. Then, we hear the amplified cricket songs as the thousands of fake crickets begin to make lifelike movements. It's all quite surreal. Louise was watching Dr. Grower setting up his experiment, somehow connected to the TImefish. Then, glancing at the Bottomless Bag still in Bebe's hand, I notice the initials embroidered under the strap - "GL."
Fake Bugs, Timefish & The Temporal Vortex
The meadow below is being used for some kind of experiment. And it's clear from her quick departure, that Growler Louise has something to do with all this. Bebe's being told by dispatch that complaints are now flooding into the Growlerville Police Station of huge numbers of bugs loose in the town meadow. "Tell them they're only fake crickets, rubber ones, not live bugs... Yeah, it's true, I can see them right now. Prof. Growler is doing something with artificial insects. I don't think that's illegal..."
This is incredible! I run down toward the field to get a closer look at the rubber crickets. They look even more realistic in the sunlight. I can hear them, and am looking for the speakers, when a couple of technicians walk onto the bugs. All the fake insects are moving in a very lifelike manner, except for one panel. The techs wave their arms, looking up the other side of the hill, and all the motion stops. And then, when the sound stops, I can hear Bebe far behind me, up on the road, calling. She's leaving. I yell back that I want to stay to see what's going on here, and that I will catch up with her later. I head closer to the meadow.
The techs are still working on the grid holding the crickets, and are not aware of me, even as I approach. I stand behind a large tree just off the meadow and listen. They are talking on a communication system to someone unseen. "Applying cricket extract... Preparing for trap test..." They are spraying a mist from some metal canisters onto the rubber bugs, then move away from them. "Testing the trap... ready? On 3. Ready? 1, 2, 3..." In a flash, four sides and the top of a huge cube-shaped net rise and lock into place directly over the rubber bugs. The techs applaud, reset the trap, and walk back up the hill, periodically checking a huge bundle of cables laid between the lower meadow and some control point on the hill.
I lag behind, but follow them up to a clearing, where I see a fleet of white pickup trucks, the ones with the "Fred Forever" bumper stickers. The tailgates are down, and equipment is everywhere. Prof. Growler is there telling everyone in a very urgent voice that he expects them to be back in one hour sharp. The technicians and the professor pile into a couple of trucks, and head to town, probably for lunch. I cautiously approach the equipment, amazed at the technical feat involved in this enterprise. On the ground, I notice several empty boxes of something called Nothing. The warning on the empty boxes is quite entertaining, "Never use this Nothing without an ample supply of Nothing Remover close at hand." What is this stuff? My mind is frying on the ideas of Nothing and Nothing Remover, but I am startled back from my compulsive daydream by a friendly voice, "Are you...?" I realize he thinks I'm someone else, and my silent smile convinces him even more. "Great. We've got a little less than an hour to do this..."
Subversion By An Insider
I am in the company of Brother Huhu. Without me saying so, he thinks I am from his organization, EARS (Encrusted Animal Rights Society), who are protesting this experiment. He is a radical who has infiltrated the research group in order to sabotage Prof. Growler's experiment out of respect for the Timefish. It seems that when the Timefish travel through time, they create an opening, the temporal vortex, that Dr. Growler wishes to study. The vortex remains open as long as the Timefish remain in your timezone, so the trap is a way of keeping the vortex open for study. Pretty ingenious. Brother Huhu's plan is to insert a timing limitation on the trap. It will automatically disassemble after a specified time period, enabling the Timefish to escape.
And now I understand why Prof. Growler is going to go fishing. His crickets are exact replicas, a very specialized bait, a species mimicked for one quality - the ability to attract Timefish. I remember learning about the Timefish in the museum. This is a creature that travels through time in search of better survival conditions. And back at his lab, I saw a whole research section devoted to the temporal vortex. It's an incredible experiment. I'm really impressed, not only by the brilliant Prof. Growler, but also by the determination of this young protester. Something about his plan concerns me. When I ask Brother Huhu if anyone can get hurt because of his sabotage, he shrugs his shoulders and says he hopes not. Timefish have rights, you know.
With some quick strokes on the keypad, the fix is in, and Brother Huhu's devious software piggyback is embedded into the sequencing protocols. We drink a congratulatory toast of Dry Water (another amazing substance) for mission success, and I ask more questions. According to Prof. Growler's notes, his intention is to enter the vortex with his equipment. He wants to test his theory that within the vortex, time does not pass. I'm not sure what that means, but I am very interested in learning more. Does that mean he will enter a different timezone? Will he be able to travel with the Timefish? There are no ready answers, but I am realizing that I have stumbled onto one of the greatest stories of my career.
Brother Huhu's getting nervous and I can see the trucks in the distance headed back here, so I choose to head back toward the meadow. I want to get out of sight and find a good view of the experiment. According to the saboteur, the experiment happens the first thing after lunch. I find a ringside seat and wait.
When the crickets start up, I scan the area, looking for evidence of the Timefish. For a long while, nothing happens. Then I hear rejoicing from Prof. Growler. His sensors have apparently detected his prey. Within a short time, I hear a deep buzzing sound I associate with high tension electricity. Then I get my first glimpse of the incredible flying Timefish. It appears to be a large school (We have since learned that it's really a single individual that has rejoined itself numerous times from many different timezones until it looks like a school!). It's streaming out of a cave-like opening in the side of a house on the edge of the meadow. This is just like the museum display, hundreds of beautiful Timefish circling the meadow at treetop level. They are definitely attracted by the artificial lure of Prof. Fisherman. Wow. Then, as if on cue, they come down to feed. When the first one touches the fake crickets, the trap flies up around almost the entire school. A cheer can be heard from the researchers.
I run over to examine the gateway used by these Timefish. The temporal vortex appears as a cavernous opening in three dimensional space. It sits along side a private house, appearing to go into it. It's big, almost as big as the house itself. Faint whistling sounds mixed with the electric buzzing can be heard in the distance. Looking in, there appears to be a meadow like this one inside the opening. I am trying to get up the courage to enter it, when suddenly Prof. Growler angrily yells, "Hey!" I instinctively run into the vortex to get away. The moment I enter, I no longer hear his voice. Looking back, I see him frozen in the middle of his rant, his mouth distorted grotesquely. Inside, there is the constant sensation of a dream state. The colors are not as vivid, things appear distorted and larger than life, but other than that, it is a familiar place. From inside, the vortex opening back to real time looks like a cave opening, just like it does from the other side. From each side, you appear to be outside of the same cave. I quickly dart back to Prof. Growler, but when I exit the vortex, his yelling picks up right where he left off, and he's very loud, so I jump back into the vortex, and I can see him once again frozen in time on the other side. His theory seems to be true - time does not pass in here. I am experiencing the stopping of time. And it is very cool.
I'm thinking about whether it's possible to get stuck in this temporal vortex. This thing closes when the Timefish fly back into it as they go toward another timezone. But since I can see the Timefish stuck in the trap, frozen in time like Prof. Growler, I know that won't happen until time starts again, that is, when I leave. So I'm quite safe in here. I hear some faint laughter behind the house. Who could be in here? After carefully noting the location of the vortex, so that I am confident I can find my escape route, I walk behind the house. Everything looks huge. When I come upon a pair of sneakers, it's so huge I can barely peek into over the side. I've got to be careful I don't get stepped on - there may be giants in here.
Next time: More on the temporal vortex, the saboteur, some giant strawberries, and a dangerous substrate From the Forbidden Zone called Toxic Obnoxic.
For the latest installment of this column
see The Growlerville Tourist section of the current issue of GrowlerZone
NOTICE
Tourists must clear Growlerville customs upon departure because of local prohibition legislation. No encrusted material may leave Growlerville. It's now local law and it's enforced, so don't attempt to bring back any magic souvenirs. That doesn't mean you can't buy the stuff at Moon At Midnight. It's just that you'll have to use it in Growlerville.
In the hopes that it will discourage others, the Huhu Authority has asked us to post the names of the following tourists who were caught attempting to leave with restricted natural resources:
+ Robert E. Raymond was caught trying to leave with a Way Out rolled up in his trousers.
+ Andrew & Didi Hunter were found to be carrying several tubes of Nothing stuffed into a pair of cowboy boots.
+ Steve & Birgitta Chern were discovered to be carrying the microscopic powder Edible Incredible encapsulated in the fillings of their teeth.
Shame on you all!!!
This page is a compilation of articles first appearing in The Growlerville Tourist column in our free electronic magazine, GrowlerZone.
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